Lying on the table today waiting for the technician to get everything in place for my MRA I was struck by how normal it seemed.

It shouldn’t seem normal to have your brain scanned to make sure that your weakened blood vessels aren’t going explode from the pressure of your blood racing through them.

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I just got sidetracked for at least 30 minutes reading an article on www.migraines.org

about myths and realities surrounding migraines. 

I am fairly certain that if I do wake up in the morning, it will be with brain stuff oozing

out of places it shouldn’t be oozing out of. At the very least I will be twitching or something.

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Back to me.

Head firmly encased in that pretty plastic cage thing pictured in the image above, the technician maneuvered me into the barrel. He told me to keep my head very still. As if I had a freaking choice. The procedure took about 10 minutes which was much shorter than previous MRI scans I’ve had done.

MRA stands for Magnetic Resonance Angiogram. An MRA is a specialized type of MRI that is used to study blood vessels. It is most commonly used to detect, diagnose and aid in the treatment of heart disorders, stroke, and vascular diseases.

This is an image from an angiogram which is not mine that shows an aneurysm. See that out of place looking blob in the center of the image? That is an aneurysm. That looks out of place because it’s not supposed to be there.

This is NOT my brain.

Still not my brain.

My concern is stroke. Given my history of migraines and their persistence, frequency and severity; I have grown more and more concerned about the integrity of those little tubes o’ blood in my head.

My mother had a series of strokes with I was 15. This scared the crap out of me, but I think it scared her more. Not so much because of the strokes mind you; more so because that when I was little I apparently told her that she was going to die when I was 15. Precocious little tyke wasn’t I?

It is a valid concern, this aneurysm thing. My sister Chris has some odd tangly brain vein thing that has a very medically srs bznss sounding name which I can never remember. At least I think she does.

Adding to the “hey, there really might be something wrong with my brain” theory is the fact that my memory is shot. I mean shot. I pretty much have zero short term memory and I have to write everything down in order to remember it.

At any rate….

While the MRI machine whirred and clicked around me I wisely spent my time thinking.

I briefly thought about my tax refund in as much as that I wondered where the hell it was. According to the “this is when we do this” IRS time table, it should have been deposited on 2/13. Of course there is a disclaimer on the chart stating that “this date is only an estimate’’ because god forbid someone is actually held accountable for something.

The rest of the time I spent planning exactly what I would do when (when, not if) the technician came back in the room to tell me that they had discovered a very unstable aneurysm and I needed to be taken to surgery immediately.

First I would ask the technician to get the key from the window ledge of the room I was in. The key was to a cabinet that housed my cell phone, wallet and car key.

I would explain that I needed to call my mother-in-law to stay with my Luke and notify my parents of the situation.

I would call her. She would take the news with a calm that belied her fear and then do whatever needed to be done. She would get Luke and gather some clothes for me. Luke would be worried.

He would make sure though, that I had all the things I needed at the hospital. He would stop mid-stride to think of everything I could possibly want and he would gather it for me.

He would tell the cats that I would be ok.

Then I would contact my boss to let him know that I would not be at work for awhile. I would apologize, because at this point in time my physical wellbeing would not be any different than it was 30 minutes before hand. I would “feel” fine, regardless of the fact that any moment a vessel in my head could burst forth with life sustaining blood and kill me dead. That wouldn’t occur to me because I would be thinking of the things that needed to be accomplished in my absence.

I would contact some other people and make some arrangements.

I would let a few friends know.

That’s it. No emotional outbursts. No freak outs or panicky moments. Calm, precision, logic.

I bet you’re thinking that I had one of those epiphany things where people realize that they are going about this whole life thing the wrong way.

I didn’t.

I’m happy with that flow of action, with that proposed reaction to a potentially tragic situation. I’m even happy with my choice of thoughts during the procedure that could very well lead to some not so pleasant news.

I like logic and calm in the face of chaos. That is where I am strongest.

I have had a rough day emotionally. I am struggling with guilt that is not mine to bear yet I bear it anyway. No one placed it on my shoulders; I heaved it there myself.

I feel very adult today.

It is an odd mixture of pride, excitement and longing.

Oh what a night….late December back in ‘63; what a very special time for me….

I was not so ok when I woke up this morning. In addition to still being very much in pain in the back area I had a vicious migraine.

I woke up at 6:30 and then apparently hit the snooze button until it was 7:40 or so. Luke has to be at school at 8 or he is considered tardy. I raced (hah!) upstairs and shouted him out of bed. 

I went downstairs to put on my shoes and take some Imitrex. He got dressed and ready in record time and we bolted out the door, all while I was tripping all over myself apologizing to him for oversleeping.

We managed to make it on time and I drove home, head throbbing intent on showering and going to work.

As I shuffled into my bedroom, Eli was curled up on the bed. This was where I made my fatal mistake and laid down on the bed “just for a minute”.

2 hours later I awoke, headache free but guilt laden. I got ready to head to Walgreens to pick up some perscriptions.

On my way out I looked at this:

I wanted to go back here.

or here....

I resisted the urge to crawl onto one of those deliciously comfy things I can sleep on and went to Walgreens.

This guy was ticking me off. He was a loud cellphone talker and pretentious to boot. He gave off that “I think I am very important” vibe that only people who are not important give off.

Obnoxious yellow shirt man.

Father and son...

It was clear that the father didn’t speak much English and initially I thought the son was helping him get his perscriptions sorted out. The son carried a plastic bag filled with prescription bottles and was serving as a translator between his father and the pharmacist.

As they carried out their business I learned that they were actually there for the mother/wife and not for the father. This may not seem super unusual, but it was the manner in which they interacted that brought a lump to my throat.

Since it was the mother and not the father that needed assistance; it would have been easier for the son to come on his own. For some reason, it was so touching to see that not only did the father who had the hurdle of not speaking English still wanted to be the one to help his wife. In addition to that; the son, who could have done this much more quickly on his own, patiently translated for both his father and the pharmacist all so his father could help his mother himself.

He did it without impatience and with a a very clear “because I want to, not because I have to” compassion.

It was very endearing.

After about 20 minutes, I was able to get my prescriptions and I toddled off to work.

At work, there was a heating pad waiting for me courtesy of Charles. I sat in my comfy chair again, heating pad on high and settled into my day.

I had a soda on the table and I wanted it a bit closer and well….the mirror that was also on the table decided it no longer wanted to be on the table. It didn’t break, but it did make Charles come into my office to see what I had done to myself.

The mirror. Also, that is the teddy bear that Amy gave me when her contract ended.

The day itself was fairly innocuous, save for having to talk to one customer who had been calling incessantly. I don’t think he’ll be calling anymore.

I am grateful for the assistance of folks at work:

Charles is fixing my console for me.

While I haven't quite burned a hole through my body, I do have quite the nice collection of discolored skin on my back. By discolored, I mean burned.

There was an event at Luke’s school tonight that I wanted to attend but he didn’t want to. Given the status of my back we decided not to go.

He had done his homework and was fully engaged in this:

Luke playing Halo

I had a mad craving for Subway so I shuffled to the car and went to Subway. I got out of the car and the deafening sound of 16.8 billion birds the trees of the parking lot.

There were about 10-15 trees spread out in the parking lot and they were all full of birds. All the birds were screaming at the top of their lungs.

Odin snuggling with meMore snugglyand more...More snugglyMore snuggly

More Snugglies

and more...

I love this little snuggly boy so much. He just plops down and sleeps on me. He is so soft and cuddly.

Part of the gameroom

This is where the fridge will go. It

This is a lot of DVDs. They are not mine though; they just reside in my house courtesy of Eric.

(Yes, I do plan on replacing those curtains.)

The one thing that irritates me about the gameroom is this fan:

I actually really like the fan itself...

It is the remote that goes with the fan that is a thorn in my side. The battery cover is missing; and so was the battery. I wasn’t to upset about that because eh, who really cares about the cover. I picked up a new battery and when I went to put it in I noticed that there was a really small relay board that connects to what I’m assuming is a really small connection on the battery cover.

The remote.

I went to the website thinking that I could just order a new remote, but I could not find one anywhere. I send them an email w/ the part number so I hope that it will be just a simple fix.

I think it’s about time to try to get some sleep. I am looking forward to the weekend and not having to get up or not feeling guilty about not getting up.

Goodnight world.