on falling

I’ve long struggled to balance my need to be engaged with my peers with my need to escape them. This push and pull is never more evident than after a few days of spending time with a group of friends.

There is a palpable feeling that invades my brain at the end of a great weekend or even as an evening winds down.

It’s a fall. A let down.

This afternoon, as I was desperately ready to be alone after what was genuinely a fantastic gathering with people I enjoy spending time with, I found myself near tears while walking to my car.

It’s a swing. An ebb and flow.

I don’t understand why the shift from engaged to disengaged is so wild but I appreciate that it is.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve experienced emotions very intensely. Everything from love to anger has always been a more of a tsunami than a wave. It’s taken years for this to become a strength instead of a weakness.

The most positive aspect of the intensity of my emotions is that they tend to pass quickly.

There was a period of my life, before I understood how my mind worked, when I thought I was ┬ámanic. Because depression has been a part of my life, I did a lot of research and reading about manic depression. Of course, I do not suffer from manic depression but after speaking with therapists and through my own research, I’m comfortable with the term hypersensitive.

I do not find life overwhelming anymore because I’ve learned how to use the way my brain processes experiences as a positive. I believe that if I had not taken these steps, I would be in an extremely dark place.

I remain quite sensitive and I’m grateful for it. I get a great deal of satisfaction from supporting my friends, being compassionate and being a friend who people come to when they need advice.

Days like today, where I go from high to low to “normal” in the space of a few hours, remind me how lucky I am to be the person that I am. I love that I process things differently from most people. I love that when someone I care about is hurting, I can physically feel their anguish. I’m grateful that seeing people happy and content makes me smile.

I don’t ever want to be the kind of person who goes through life where emotions are tempered and dull.

I love falling because it means the rise is coming and it will be spectacular.

    • Kacy
    • February 18th, 2013

    I know exactly how this feels. I sometimes find myself going through withdrawal symptoms with you guys after awesome weekends and find myself itching for the next time I’ll see you all. But then I’ve learned to somewhat appreciate those off days or weeks as being able to recharge and give my all the next time we’re all together.

    • Justin H.
    • February 18th, 2013

    100% understand and relate to this. Often when I leave work for the day, I have to deal with a torn feeling between wanting to engage with people and wanting to disengage and enjoy some “me time”. And thus, I have to make a decision. I don’t always make the right one. College life, and the friends that I had there, allowed for a bit more of an effortless balance, where both could coexist more harmoniously. Even now, I am still transitioning from college-Justin to post college-Justin, in which I am struggling to learn how to make new friends in new ways and how to interact with them. I feel like this struggle of wanting to connect with people in the same, outstanding ways that I connected with my college besties, combined with this imbalance of engaging and disengaging, is currently adding another level of depth to my situation and my rise and fall feelings.

  1. You are very wise in this regard. Human contact is wonderful – but draining. Even Jesus recognized the need for down time: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%206:31&version=NIV There’s no “up” without a “down.”

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